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07 January 2011 @ 01:32 am
 I haven't written in a while. But I have a lot to say and I want to get some of it off my chest. 

I just watched Precious. I never watched it before tonight because I thought I would hate it. Part of me knows it's because I'm an overweight girl and I'd hate to see all my fears and self-conscious thoughts displayed on screen. Of course, no one would know those were my exact thoughts or that I feel the same way, but I'd be sinking into my seat because I know how she feels. 

But I don't. Yes, I'm an overweight. Yes, I wish I was thin, famous, rich, smarter, and more attractive. But I'm not a black woman, growing up in a poor neighborhood. I'm not living with a single mother that despises me because her husband rapes me. I'm not a 16 year old with 2 children of which are my father's. I'm not lacking an education. I'm not illiterate. 

I could relate to her feelings of not being wanted or loved. The feeling of loneliness but not because everyone around me has shown me nothing else. I feel alone and unwanted because of my own thoughts. I have a friend whom I love with all my heart, who has been a better friend than I ever thought possible, but I don't treat this friend as they treat me. I'm jealous of my friends having other friends because I'm scared they'll like them better and stop being my friend. The higher I hold a certain friend, the more it scares me. 

There are times when I want to be held  and fall asleep knowing someone is right there if I wake up in the middle of the night and want to talk. I just don't want to be alone. I want a friend to know all my crazinesses and issues and not see it as that but still love me for it. 

My two best friends mean the absolute world to me. I hope they both know who they are. I hope they know that I love them dearly. That if they needed me, I'd be there for them. If I ever seem angry at them, there's a possibility that they've done nothing wrong but be the friend I've always wanted. I also hope they know that no matter what they did, I would still love them and support them. 

I never mean to push them away. I get angry at them for no reason, tell them nothing is wrong, then cry myself to sleep because the only thing wrong is me. I'm pushing away the people whom I'd be a mess without. They're the ones that remind me that I'm loved and cared for; they tell me that they'd be sad if anything happened to me and that's what I tell myself when I'm at my lowest points. 

I have thousands of insecurities but what I'm most scared of is that the day will come when I won't have you to talk to. Our conversations mean everything to me and I wouldn't trade them for being thin, for being attractive, or for a million dollars. It is the most precious thing in my life. Thank you for being my friend and for being there for me. I love you, my bff
21 April 2010 @ 12:04 am
Some days, I just want to talk. Not even talk, I want to be heard. I want to be understood by someone because I don't even understand myself. I want to talk, be heard, and not judged. I dig at my ears because they itch and drive me nuts, but why? Why can't I leave them alone? I bite at my nails and cuticles until I fucking bleed, but why? I know it hurts and I hate when they get like that but I can't stop. I sit and stew and huff and puff about how angry I am, starting about how I just people to shut up, or leave me alone, or to just let me do whatever on my own but go back to being pissed before even finishing.

I want to be normal. None of these psychotic little tendencies that I have. I know I'm not crazy, but it's times like these that shake that knowledge.
11 October 2009 @ 12:29 am
 It has nothing to do with embarrassment or wishing I didn't feel this way. There are just some things I don't want people to know. I'm not a very open person because it makes me uncomfortable to talk a lot about myself. If I feel comfortable talking to someone, then yeah, I tend to talk a lot. But yeah, I lied. I'm not ashamed about doing it either. Sometimes, I have to keep my feelings to myself to keep myself from getting hurt. 

I'm 19 years old and I just want to have fun while I can. I've spent this long being a wallflower and staying out of trouble. Fun is exactly what I need. 
I'm seeing Demi in concert tomorrow!!! Ahhh!!

And in your words, I hear a melody.Collapse )

04 April 2009 @ 01:26 pm
I really need a new layout. 

I really want to bite my nails. 

I really want to not have a cold. 

I really can't wait for the Hannah Montana Movie

I really want Cody to get a hair cut and stop pushing it to the side

I really enjoyed having Camille's for lunch

I really want La Fiesta for Dinner

I really love this thing I'm doing.

I really worried that would be too long. Like this one

I really did fall asleep during Monsters vs. Alien last night. =[

I really want need Demi to post her tour dates.

I really can't wait for Pinky's

The end. For now.

18 March 2009 @ 08:03 pm
Shit, I love my bad moods. I think. And sometimes my thoughts come of as interesting. To me anyway.

Thought 1: Which came first: The man or the self image.
Do woman really have a self image before a man shows interest in the way they look? Because if a guy looks at me a certain way, I suddenly look at myself and decide that I like or don't like what I'm wearing, according to the look. Or we see other women, with style, getting looks from men and we want that. We crave that attention. So, we make an effort to make ourself look like what we believe a man wants us to look like. Those with self respect, keep it clean. Good girls.

Thought 2: Which came first, the chicken or the egg.
Chicken. Biblical idiots, God created everything already in adult form hence our wonderful Miss Chicken is our Eve that creates out chicky Kane and Abel. Big Bang Theorists: I got nothing for you. Except dinosaurs. Dinosaurs came first. You can decide what came next.

Thought 3: God, like every other warm blooded male, was scared of children. And is a man. Or a lesbian anyway.
He created only adults first. Not babies that grew to be our wonderful Adam and Eve. Unless it is true that the story of Adam and Eve is just a fabircated story to give an ~~~~Idea. Make up your mind. Anyway, it took God several hundred years to find a woman and impregnate her. Sometimes, I feel bad for Jesus. He was born to a mom who has no interesting conception story. He grew up with two dads. (Poor Joseph) And then he gets nailed to a cross. Sucks.


Thought 5: I need a hair cut like no other.
Which I am getting tomorrow.

Thought 5: Fight Club (both book and movie) are pure genius.

Thought 6: I still love Kelly Clarkson
I'm very aware that Kelly Clarkson and Fight Club are very very different but you know what? I have the ability to appreciate all sorts of shit and I will appreciate and enjoy it to my heart's content. I don't care if someone doesn't like her. I LIKE HER. So, everyone else can stfu and refrain from making me feel ~inferior for having different musical tastes. Thanks.

Thought 7: I'm too nice for my own good. I'm too ~good for my own good.

I'm going to go watch fight club now.

Tyler approves.
16 November 2008 @ 06:41 pm
I love looking at this and realizing I haven't updated on my life in 11 weeks. It's good for a few giggles. I also realized that the last time I updated I was super dooper happy about shit. Even if I'm in a really shitty mood, I'll try to refrain from filling in the 0 people who read this about my wonderfully pointless yet depressing life. (Depressing because I lose friends like you couldn't believe and still manage to have the single most boring life ever)

Anyway, I love Cody Linley. He's supposed to come to Peoria in January and... that's like the best news since ever. It really is. But at the rate things are going as of right now, it'll either be cancelled because he got too busy or the weather will be doucherific and decide to blizzard. I'd cry. I really would. I'm really hoping that he does a fantastic job on Monday, because even if he goes home, he'll have gone home doing two spectacular dances. I effing love Cody Linley.

Chelsea, Chelsea, tell me you love me. I love that song. I want the full version. Onto the next topic though..

School sucks. I want to drop out.

I slept all day yesterday to avoid everything and instead I had a dream where I was trying to close the library up and people kept coming in and trashing the library and trying to steal shit. I was in tears when I woke up. Then I went back to sleep after realizing I was still being ignored and had a dream about my dead grandfather. Oh yeah, it was great. =|

I love Taylor Swift's new CD. Idfc what anyone says, it's really fucking good. I also love Say Anything, Sugarland, The Summer Set, and You, Me, and Everyone We Know.

I thought I was dying the other night because my stomach just ached all day. Turns out it was that ~time. =\

I need a haircut.

It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone.

Current Music: Want To - Sugarland
26 August 2008 @ 12:15 pm
So, the last time I updated was in July...So, I figured now would be a good time to update. =]